Responding with care to people affected by historical adoption practices

Guidance for parishes, clergy, and others who may receive an enquiry or disclosure.

Please note: This page may include references to adoption, separation, coercion, and abuse. Please take care while reading it. You can stop and return at any time.

The publication of the Church of England’s national apology for historical adoption practices may lead people to contact a parish, church, or the diocesan office. They may be looking for records or wishing to share their experience, and may be feeling a complicated mix of emotions.

Your role is not to investigate what happened or provide all the answers. It is to listen, respond with care, and help the person find appropriate support.

• When someone contacts you
• Explaining the apology
• When someone shares a personal experience
• Urgent safety concerns
• Helping someone to access records and specialist support
• When someone wants to share their experience with the Church
• Media and detailed organisational enquiries
• Offering pastoral support or prayer
• Prayers for use in worship

When someone contacts you

Give the person time to speak. They may never have spoken about their experience before, or previous attempts to be heard may have been dismissed.

Do

• Listen patiently and without interrupting.
• Take what the person says seriously.
• Acknowledge the pain or difficulty they describe.
• Speak calmly and respectfully.
• Thank them for contacting you.
• Ask what would be most helpful to them now.
• Offer information about support and records.
• Explain clearly what you can and cannot do.

Avoid

• defending the Church or trying to explain past decisions.
• debating whether a particular experience amounted to coercion.
• asking the person to prove what happened.
• asking probing or investigative questions.
• minimising their experience or comparing it with someone else’s.
• making promises about records, reunions, compensation or outcomes.
• pressuring them to share more than they wish.
• assuming that they want prayer or contact with a member of the clergy.

The Church of England’s central principles are to listen without interruption, acknowledge what has been shared, avoid investigation, and connect the person with appropriate support.

Helpful things to say

You do not need a perfect script. Simple, human responses are usually best:

• “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
• “I am very sorry for what you experienced.”
• “That sounds extremely difficult.”
• “You can share as much or as little as you choose.”
• “I am not going to ask you to go over anything you do not want to discuss.”
• “Let me explain what support and information may be available.”

Avoid saying:

• “That was just how things were then.”
• “I am sure people thought they were doing the right thing.”
• “At least your child had a good home.”
• “You need to forgive.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “I know exactly how you feel.”

Good intentions do not rescue bad sentences. When in doubt, listen rather than trying to fill the silence.

Explaining the apology

You could say:

“The Church of England has apologised for its historical involvement in mother and baby homes and adoption practices, particularly during the period from 1949 to 1976. Research found that, although people’s experiences varied, some practices caused serious harm. These included the separation of mothers and babies and the denial of dignity and choice. The Church wants people who were affected to be heard and to have access to information and support.”

Further information about the research, apology and available support is provided on the Church of England’s historical adoption practices page.

When someone shares a personal experience

Acknowledge what they have told you

You might say:

• “I am very sorry that happened to you.”
• “Thank you for trusting me with this.”

Do not try to establish every date, name or detail. Let the person decide what they wish to disclose.

Ask what they need

A person may want:

• someone simply to listen;
• information about the apology;
• emotional or pastoral support;
• help finding their birth or adoption records;
• information about a particular mother and baby home;
• to share their experience formally with the Church;
• a response from the diocese;

Do not assume that sharing an experience means the person is making a safeguarding complaint, seeking publicity or asking for pastoral care.

When someone becomes distressed

Slow the conversation down. Allow pauses and ask whether they would like to continue.

You can offer to:

• repeat information;
• stay on the line while they write down contact details;
• arrange for an agreed colleague to contact them;
• communicate by email or letter instead;
• pause the conversation and speak again at another time.

You might say:

• “We do not need to rush.”
• “Would you like to pause for a moment?”
• “Is there someone you trust who you could speak to after this call?”

Do not attempt counselling unless you are appropriately trained.

Urgent safety concerns

If someone is in immediate danger, call 999 or encourage them to go to A&E. For urgent mental health support that is not an emergency, they can contact NHS 111 and select the mental health option. Samaritans can be contacted free at any time on 116 123.

Follow the diocese’s usual safeguarding procedures if a person discloses a current risk to a child or adult. Be honest that you may need to share information when someone is at immediate risk; do not promise absolute confidentiality.

Helping someone to access records and specialist support

We have provided information on accessing birth and adoption records and records relating to the Diocese of York at www.dioceseofyork.org.uk/hap.

You are not expected to offer expert advice. It is important to signpost to specialist organisations who can offer support with the process of finding and exploring records.

You might say: “There are specialist organisations that can offer confidential advice, emotional support, and help with records. Would it be helpful for me to give you their details?”

You can find information on accessing specialist support at www.dioceseofyork.org.uk/hap.

When someone wants to share their experience with the Church

Ask what they would like to happen with the information.

You might say:

“We can make sure your experience is passed to the appropriate team. Before I take any details, I will explain who will receive them and what may happen next.”

Only collect personal information when:

• there is a clear reason for doing so;
• the person understands how it will be used;
• they have agreed to it;
• it can be stored and transferred securely.

Record only what is necessary. Do not circulate a detailed personal history by ordinary email or forward it widely “for awareness”.

Contact the diocesan safeguarding team for further advice.

Media and detailed organisational enquiries

If someone is seeking an interview, statement, detailed historical explanation, or comment on behalf of the Church, do not improvise a response.

You might say: “I am not the best person to answer those questions, but I can pass your enquiry to our communications team.”

With their agreement, take their name, organisation, contact details, deadline and a brief description of the enquiry.

A journalist may also be personally affected. Continue to treat them courteously and sensitively.

Offering pastoral support or prayer

Some people may welcome prayer, a conversation with a member of the clergy or another form of spiritual support. Others may have been harmed by religious language or by the Church itself.

Always ask rather than assume: “Would any form of pastoral or spiritual support be helpful, or would you prefer support that is independent of the Church?”

Prayer should accompany listening and practical support, never replace them.

Prayers for use in worship

The following responses may be used in parish worship or another appropriate setting: